The Heart Speaks First and the Head Speaks Second

February 16th, 2010

Have you ever been caught up in the guilt-purpose trap?  It is the trap where your guilt becomes so loud within your being that it eclipses your purpose that you feel deep within you.  We all are pre-wired to have a God-given purpose in life. Our primarily purpose involves each one of us to experience joy.  Our heart, when we listen to it tells us without question what authentically causes joy; but soon thereafter we begin to hear what our head says.  Our head speaks up with all the reason why we can’t or shouldn’t.   All those “can’t” that we hear are nothing more that our versions of guilt.  Guilt is from our pasts and not our now’s or our futures.  The first rule of thumb to consider, the “heart’ speaks first and the “head” speaks second.  The heart speaks of possibilities and as we all should know, all that is possible in this world is possible.  The heart will never lead you astray; it allows us to face any challenge head on, to handle any adversity in life and to deal with any tragedy that besets us.  The heart of our being is never the victim but always the victor.  The head leads us down the path of what has been done to us rather than what has been done for us.

Let me give you an example in my life.  Several  years ago while serving as an Indianapolis Police Officer I encountered a situation one night when I began to hear what I thought was a cat screaming, either it was in pain, in heat or protecting its territory from another cat.  I was with another officer and we had just completed a run and as we sat outside our cars talking, we heard this odd noise coming from our east.  We dismissed the sound but it became more frequent, and more human as time passed.  I along with the other officer aimlessly tried to find the original of these morbid screams.  Finally as we neared where they came from, it was clear, they were human.  We encountered an 80 years woman frantically calling for help as she had just been raped.  It seems that a man had entered her home as she slept and then forcible sexually assaulted her.

Here is where my guilt finds its genesis in this case.  As I am talking with her from her second story window, I had trouble completely understanding what she was saying not because she was not being clear but because I had already formed a judgment and opinion that she was “not all there.” There is one thing to hear another, but it is another thing to listen.  I was not listening.  Instead of being a police officer to help others feel safe, I insisted upon this elderly female to walk downstairs to let me in.  She was terrified that maybe the perpetrator was still inside and yet I insisted he had left so once again I insisted on her letting me in.  You see, I thought she was not of full mental capacity and therefore non lucid and possible a mental patient.   My judgment was that no sexual assault had occurred and she was probably having hallucinations.   The “victim” as I will now call her, not because she was sexually assaulted but because I victimized her by not believing her story because my self-righteous judgments.

Later it was determined that a crime had been committed and she had been through a horrific 2 hour ordeal.  And to make matters worse, her  could-be hero, an Indianapolis Police Officer refused to make a gallant rescue, instead made her walk a walk of fear through a house not knowing if her assailant was still inside.  She was transported to Wishard Hospital and as time passed I tried to forget my callous insensitive lack of professionalism but most importantly my lack of being a caring human being.

After two weeks had passed, my guilt got the best of me so I decided to reach out to her son and beg his forgiveness.  As I began to tell the story of how I encountered his mother and how I had not believed her and therefore asked her to make her way downstairs, he interrupted me mid-sentence and said that she had passed away.  Wow, my guilt spiraled to depths that I never realized could be possilbe.  I didn’t know what to say.  I had betrayed this woman’s trust and I so desperately wanted to undo that fateful night.  The son forgave me but it would be months before I would forgive myself.  To be perfectly honest, 25 years later, I still struggle and wish I could re-live that night all over.

My guilt rather temporary, fleeting, permanent or intermittent has at times overshadowed my purpose of experiencing joy.  Many times soon after that night, I found myself being a victim to a mistake of being self-righteous and opinionated.  Many times I felt that it was all done to me.  But as I have matured, I reflect on what this woman has done for me and my career.  I have become a better listener and more purposeful ever since.  So thank you Mrs. Speak, I will never forget you and I hope you have forgiven me.

Paul Lushin

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